It's been two months since I've written anything in this blog and that makes me sad... very, very sad.
As expected the beginning of the semester was a shock to my system, and although it was kind of touch and go there for a bit, I'm finally getting my footing and hitting a stride that I think is sustainable for the rest of the semester (
click here for a video on my strategies).
That said I can't shake the fact that lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by the entire doctoral process. Now that I've actually begun the dissertation writing process (I'm preparing to present my proposal by the end of the spring semester-hopefully) I'm beginning to feel the weight of the task at hand, and at times it can be a bit suffocating. Writing has always been a passion of mine and normally it isn't something that I struggle with, but every time I sit down to start writing various components of this proposal I tense up and usually end up walking away feeling defeated and having made very little progress.
I'm not sure where this paralyzing fear is coming from, but I think it stems from the constant reminder that as doctoral students we are no longer analyzing information, but rather creating something... adding to the conversation or in some cases attempting to change it (or at least the ways in which people view it). That seems like such a large overwhelming task and yet it is the very reason that I decided to enter a doctoral program in the first place.
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| Found on wicked-naughty-diva.tumblr.com |
So now I am at the point once again of building myself up, finding that inspiration, finding that spark that reenergizes me and pushes me past the self-doubt, the need to be perfect, the fear of putting my work in front of others and opening myself up to critique. I worked "on the ground", "in the trenches" and whatever other idioms you might have to describe the experience of working as an educator in today's American public school system. I have watched, and sadly contributed to, the silencing of students and teachers in the name of "accountability" and I pushed back and resisted in the name of humanity and equality.
This process is meant to test your commitment, your strength and most of all your belief in yourself. Finishing this degree is about more than expanding my mind and pushing my ways of thinking (although that is happening almost on a daily basis). I want to add to this conversation, I want to be a part of the change that not only welcomes but values different ways of knowing and of communicating knowledge. So while I know there is an intense and possibly frustrating journey ahead of me, I'm slowly coming to realize that I wouldn't want it any other way. Discomfort, fear, doubt... all of these things push us to grow and change for the better. It all just depends on how you frame it.
Please feel free to share any quotes, images, advice, etc. that help you to get through obstacles or reignite fire/passion when goals seem clouded by fear or self-doubt by leaving a comment below. Stay motivated and as always...
Enjoy the journey....
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