Anyway, on this particular day the struggle to get to the gym took 10 hours. No part of my mind, body or spirit wanted to be in the gym. For this reason alone I should have made it a point to avoid the scale and save my random weigh-in for a day when I was in better spirits (normally I limit visits to the scale to a monthly or bi-monthly occurrence to prevent the ups and downs of weight loss from discouraging me). But I figured that if I saw a number I liked maybe it would motivate me to push through a great workout--BIG MISTAKE. I'd gained a few pounds, which wasn't surprising since I hadn't worked out in a week and simultaneously gave into almost every NY food craving I'd missed while back in FL for the summer. Even though it was a relatively insignificant amount I found myself feeling defeated, which brings back to where this post started: Me. On a bench in the locker room. Crying.
Ultimately it took several motivating, tough love texts from my dad to get my butt off the bench and onto a cardio machine and I must admit that I felt GREAT afterwards (as usual) and even found myself back in the gym the very next day with a much better attitude and results in terms of overall calories burned.
So how does this little break down relate to my journey in my doctoral studies, and why do I think any of you would care?
After finishing the first week of my second year, it seems like things are falling into place, but I can already hear the voices in my head that constantly make me question whether I made the right decision to come back to school--if all of this is worth it. I mean I'm a full-time student, I'm making little-to-no money and racking up tons of debt, I spend endless hours reading and writing and some days it feels like I'm moving further away from the finish line as research projects get put on hold or fall through altogether. But then I think about the personal growth that I've made: the conviction with which I can speak on the things I believe (and the confidence I've gained to do it), the increased strength of my academic/scholarly writing, and the courage I summoned up to step into a leadership position on campus, just to name a few. Similar to my weight loss journey, it's become less about the surface level results, the measurable/visible achievements and accolades received along the way--but more about the lessons that I learn about myself and the growth that I make in not only accepting the woman I am, but loving her fiercely.
I love quotes so there will be one somewhere in every post of mine. As I wrote this I kept thinking back to one that I stumbled across a couple of months ago:
Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. TRUST. HOPE. LOVE. WISH. BELIEVE. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go.”
― Mandy Hale
No matter your journey, take a moment (or two, or five, or twenty) to acknowledge and celebrate the "below the surface", immeasurable, personal triumphs you've made along the way. Use them as your motivation to keep going in those inevitable times when you feel overwhelmed or defeated.That being said it's ok (and sometimes necessary) to sit down on a bench, cry and text it out with someone you love when you need a little extra push.
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