Ivy Rose Reflects: Starting With Me

Over the past few weeks I've focused a lot of energy on this blog and associated YouTube channel, increasing my presence on various social media platforms. The response has been great and I appreciate all who have taken the time to stop by the blog and/or YouTube channel and show love/support. However, today I found myself spiraling down a dangerous road of thoughts about whether or not I am using my blog in the most productive of ways. Currently, its focus is primarily on my travels and my very personal experiences in yet another boost/revamp to my continuous journey in mental, emotional and physical health.

I recognize that there are so many other things going on in the world that I could be writing about-particularly as one who identifies as an African American woman (and I will when I feel ready and able to properly do so). But as I settle down from my workout this afternoon and prepare to go into my meditation for today, my mind is drawn back to all of the conversations that I've had in my classes in the past two years of my doctoral studies noting that the journey to a more just society built on the valuing of difference and not merely the tolerance of them, begins with understanding oneself.

This idea is echoed in the quotes and work of so many public figures striving toward justice and peace for all.

"If I'm not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?"  - Maya Angelou

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Ghandi

“Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. And we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our work.” - Marianne Williamson

"We got a young brother to stand for something!
We got a young brother that believe in the all of us!
Brother Kendrick Lamar! He's not a rapper, he's a writer, he's an author!
And if you read between the lines, we'll learn how to love one another! But you can't do that
Right on
I said, you can't do that - without loving yourself first" - Intro to Kendrick Lamar's "i"

This idea of understanding the self--acknowledging and valuing our individual differences, uncovering our own biases, misconceptions and blind spots--is the foundation of every course I've ever taken on properly engaging with communities as an educator, researcher, counselor, health care professional, etc. It's why in every research article or book you read you'll find an entire section dedicated to the author laying out exactly who they are and how they came to this work as well as their shortcomings and limitations within it.

As I said before I will comment on all that is going on in this country and in this society. It is a part of my journey and I cannot ignore it, and trust me that is not the underlying message of this post. The very first entry of this blog (Stepping Up to the Mic) is all about me breaking my often self-imposed silence on things I previously felt like I had no right or platform on which to speak. However, self-esteem and self-love have been things that I've struggled with my entire life (as I'm sure we all have) and have greatly impacted my work and the passions that motivate me on a daily basis. I am not completely sure of what the identity of this blog will be just yet, but one of the main reasons I started it was to provide myself a little bit more of an opportunity to learn about myself.

With each workout, with each international trip, (and once school starts) each class and/or research experience reveals something else to me (and you) about myself. When do I feel like quitting? What things to I pick out as important to share? Why? What things/people/places consistently show up? How to they impact me and how I interact with and interpret the things around me? What motivates me? What inspires me? What scares me? How do all of these things manifest in my work, my social life, my research? So I guess in that regard I am using this blog as a space to do a sort of ethnographic study on myself. I've never taken the time to truly figure out who I am, what I need/want, where I see myself going and for that reason I have found myself on some slippery slopes leading down into moments of darkness I'd never thought possible.

More than anything this blog is a dialogue with myself, I've just chosen to have that conversation publicly. So follow along or not, but I hope those of you that do find a little inspiration/motivation/encouragement or whatever else you're looking for to keep on pushing in your own journeys. I did my final project (for a course that pushed me personally and academically more than any other) on the power of storytelling, which I truly believe in and used as the foundation for my teaching practices (a topic for a future post) As Maya Angelou says:

This is mine...

Enjoy the journey....